


nights without you (are nights without stars)

by hugducks



Series: nightime drabbles [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Established Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Gen, I may be projecting a little, Mental Health Issues, emotions are a bitch to deal with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24818884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hugducks/pseuds/hugducks
Summary: It was going to be a long, draining night. Alec knew the routine well, and tonight was no exception.
Series: nightime drabbles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795210
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	nights without you (are nights without stars)

It was going to be a long night.

Alec knew it from the moment he opened his phone to a simple “ _lo_ _ve you darling_ ” and pressed against the door as the tears started to roll. He knew it from the gaping emptiness that formed in his chest as sobs racked his body, from the trembling hands that wiped sweat and snot off his face. 

He had a habit of shoving his emotions down, bottling up the nasty ones, tidying up the remaining to present to the world. It was second nature, really. Jace was constantly getting into trouble, Izzy needed a strong brother. His parents had to see one of their kids keeping to the script, if only to keep the heat off the rest.

Magnus would worry if he saw the depth of the pain Alec felt everyday, and so he buried that too. He lost himself in a sea of caring for others that he often forgot to do the same for himself; it was inevitable that the dam would one day break, and that he’d have to deal with the consequences.

(He’d been trying to break the dam for days. Weeks. To control the flood so the feelings wouldn’t spill over and drown him like it did now. He rarely succeeded.)

The night would be long, but the moments would be fleeting. He knew the routine like the back of his hand. The hour (or two) collapsed at the foot of the door was a welcoming embrace; the mindless playing of classical music a whispering kiss. 

The struggle to the kitchen (shoes off, lights on) and the auto-pilot meal (one banana, a piece of deli meat, and a handful of chocolate chips) came as naturally to him as riding a bike. 

Shaking hands draped the jacket over a chair, peeled a sweat soaked tee off his body. The shower (if standing under the spray, soul empty, could be called that) warmed his skin uncomfortably, but couldn’t chase away the ice resting in his gut. 

(Clothes. Hamper. The movements were mechanical, but they were done.)

A swirl of mouthwash gave him little time to stare at the sunken eyes in the mirror. He didn’t want to think of their brokenness ( _how could someone love him_ ), of their scars. 

Alec didn’t remember making his way to his bedroom. He was just there, plugging in his phone and turning off tomorrow’s alarm, popping his meds and dropping into bed with a finality that barely let him crawl under the blanket. He barely remembered to let someone know he wouldn’t be going in to work.

It was going to be a long night, he knew, pillow clutched to his chest, empty eyes staring at something past the ceiling.

It was going to be a night of tossing and turning and not deep enough sleep. Of waking up the next morning to a heavy, empty chest, and no motivation to get up.

He just hoped what he remembered of the other side would still be there when he got better.

**Author's Note:**

> I like. Okay.  
> I fully spent all day in bed because a culmination of many things led to panic attacks and me sobbing for three hours last night and like. The hangover from that is intense.  
> I have mental health issues! I'm clinically depressed! It greatly impacts my life and while I'm lucky to be able to go day-to-day and not be severely impaired, thanks to meds and other lifestyle changes, everyone has their off days. And my _bad_ days have the unfortunate side affect of leaving me emotionally unavailable because I end up using up my monthly quota on a breakdown.
> 
> I project onto this man and it quite unfortunately kinda fits his character. Let him have therapy, please. (They all need therapy.)


End file.
